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A bit of light relief

The following are reported to be accounts
of actual exchanges, between airline pilots
and control towers around the world.

Tower "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 O'Clock, 6 miles"
Delta 351 "Can you give us another clue we have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take off queue, " I'm fu**ing bored."
Ground traffic control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was fuc**ng bored, not fu**ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach control to a 747: " United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one O'clock, three miles east bound."
United 329, " Approach, I've always wanted to say this…I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student:" When I was number one for take off!"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right at the end of the runway,
if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (In English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (In English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane
(In a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for take off, contact Departure on frequency 124:7."
Eastern 702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Easter 702, contact departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger, and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caters"

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger.
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air Flight departing for Ft. Laurendale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right onto Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting hysterically,
"God now you've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?!"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground communications fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage with the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking, " Wasn't I married to you once?"

"Dear God I pray for patience and I want it
right NOW!"
Oren Arnold

"Grey skies are just
clouds passing over"
Duke Ellington

"As long as you live
keep learning
how to live"
Seneca
4BC - 65AD

E-Mail : nicklewis@nlpsuccesssystems.com
Tel: 0800 0270332