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A bit of light relief

Hilarious One Liners

1. Phone answering message - "…..
   and if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key"
   
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist
   wearing only cling film shorts.
   The Shrink says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts".
   
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
   but I couldn't find any.
   
4. I went into the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
   He said, " No, the steaks are too high".
   
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
   A strong currant pulled him in.
   
6. A man came round in the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, " Doctor, Doctor, I cant feel my legs!" The Doctor replied, "I know I've cut off your arms".
   
7. I went to a seafood disco last week…………..
   and pulled a muscle.
   
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak and where chilly.
   They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
   
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor
   covered with hundreds and thousands.
   Police say he topped himself.
   
10. A man goes into the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
    
11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home". "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common………?" "Its not unusual…"
    
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. " My dog is cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well, " said the vet "lets take a look at him". So he picks up the dog examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, because he's cross eyed??" "No, because he's really heavy."
    
13. Guy goes into the doctors, "Doc I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." How's That! "Don't you start!"
    
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom, Boom!
    
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH
    
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, " Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster Go For it!"
    
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin!
    
18. Two blokes walk in a pub, one says to the other,
    "Your round." The other bloke says,
    "So are you, you fat basr**d!"
    
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, ones was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
    
20. "You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen, it said, ' parking fine' So that was nice!"
    
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The Doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
    

"Daddy you think your funny.... but you're not!" - Rebecca Lewis Age 2

"The important thing is not to stop questioning, curiosity has its own reason for existing, one can not be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvellous structure of reality, it is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity"
Albert Einstein

Mae West was being interviewed.

Mae West: 'For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived'

Interviewer: ' Did you reform'

Mae West: 'No, I'm not ashamed anymore'

"Happiness is like a butterfly which, if pursued, stays always beyond your grasp - but if you sit quietly, may alight upon you' Nathaniel Hawthorne

E-Mail : nicklewis@nlpsuccesssystems.com
Tel: 0800 0270332